Beyond
the tavern doors
rivers run wide; it needs
nothing to walk the mud banks there
unshod.
Inside
there's love and wine
the deep cups, loud laughter,
divine death-life; your lashes sharp
in sleep.
I have had ghazals and other eastern forms on my mind lately, so borrowing and building from there.
Shared with poets for Form for All @ dVerse where cinquains are being written tonight.
hey i would not mind a visit...the atmosphere sounds warm enough...well except divine death life....ha...or a walk by the river as well...love & wine...cool use of the form...
ReplyDeleteThank you, and good buzz at the pub :) welcome to visit anytime!
Deletethis is interesting, the choices we make..the lashes sharp in sleep is a cool contrast here
ReplyDeletedifficult choices many of them, thanks for reading.
DeleteNice about the tavern doors and rivers running wide. Everyone has choices, whether to enter...or not!
ReplyDeleteEntirely true, upto each of us where we want to walk... thanks for reading
DeleteNice... I especially like the second one.
ReplyDeleteThanks!
DeleteI like the juxtaposition of the two poems with inside and outside. Good images here.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading.
DeleteI enjoyed the contrast of inside and outside the tavern.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback.
DeleteLike the rivers running wide in the first, and the warmth of love in the second ~
ReplyDeleteValue the feedback, thank you.
Deletevivid beauty assailed in your verses! Sincerely Deborah
ReplyDeletethanks
DeleteThis really makes me walk barefoot in the mud now.
ReplyDeletesoft mud between bare toes is one of the loveliest feelings! thanks for reading
DeleteQuite a contrast or should i say irony! bt such is choice..sometimes! loved it..:)
ReplyDeletethank you!
DeleteThey depict exactly how hard it sometimes is to make a decision...
ReplyDeleteDifficult and sometimes ups the novelty quotient too, thanks for reading.
Delete...ah, a sharp one... i liked it... smiles...
ReplyDeletethank you..
DeleteThis is how a cinquain should be.Strong juxtaposition and perfect rythm. well done.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteThe contrast you paint is made clearer by the brevity of the form - which you have handled with panache.
ReplyDeleteThank you for a wonderful prompt and your feedback, truly valued.
DeleteLovely images, especially the lashes.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
Delete@ Nilan,
ReplyDeleteYour poem alludes me, but I want to 'get it', if there is something to be gotten. And is often the case, the comments don't give hints: either no one dares ask or they all get it. So here I go (since I love your writing):
Questions/Thoughts:
(1) What is the "it in line 3? Using a pronoun makes me took back to Rivers or Doors (in both cases it would need to be singular)? Oh, wait, "it" talking about "Choice" -- the title?
(2) "Unshod"
Makes me think of Horses -- but in India with sandals and some folks barefoot in the country side, maybe it means different to you. And I wonder if for you the whole notion of barefoot means something very different. For instance, in much of Asia, we don't wear shoes into temples ect (or in the home for many -- as we don't in my home.)
(3) Inside & Outside (your main structure)
My guess is the analogy of the tavern, is the life of a person: asleep and awake. When asleep (inside the tavern)[hint of lashes sharp] there is careless laughter, wine and dance. When awake (outside the tavern of sleep) the choices are many with dangerous wide crossings. But the "unshod" line does not fit my analogy guess -- thus my question above.
(4) Divine Death-Life
I think of Shiva, or of the Trimurti. Or how, much of Asian thinking keeps death-and-life as much closer partners than in most of Western thinking. This I love, for in dreams, they party together.
(5) your lashes sharp
Is this eye-lashes? Or is it Choice who does the lashing (now that I think, it is probably that), But why sharp in sleep -- because of nightmares? And why that just after a wonderful party scene?
I'm sorry if I forgot if you are one of those folks who doesn't not like to reveal your thoughts behind a poem -- damn, I should make a list.
Thank you for getting me to think this morning, it will make my morning drive safer.
Have a fine day. -- Sabio (I'll never get through the poems at this rate!) :-)
Whoa! First of all let me just say how impressed I am with your detailed analyses/questions.
DeleteI have nothing against revealing any thoughts behind poems, so long as I actually can figure them out myself :) very often I can't really articulate them with any coherence. The process of writing is quite uncontrolled and organic, the words choose me rather than the other way around :D
Tavern/inn in eastern poetry is often used as a metaphor for life/material world. Here I think I am using it more to represent our comfort zones..the river is by contrast outside "beyond the doors". It takes nothing - could as well read as - you could be easily nudged out of the tavern onto the river bank because it is so enticing, but I had syllable counts to navigate :) I am clueless about syllables and iambic and trochees and stuff, so..
Unshod is how we stand/walk in hallowed grounds. There is an allusion there to a line by Alan Paton (a South African writer) which had passed my notice till you brought it up. Barefoot would have worked to convey the meaning, but I probably used unshod for the same reason as you might have used aught.
Divine death-life has no religious connonations, divine as in outstanding/excellent/sublime, death-life - the goal of ideal love (romantic/earthly or divine love for god) is often effacement of self. The borders between life/death, lover/beloved are certainly more blurred in eastern poetry, and I suppose that seeps into my poems as well. Again, being in the comfort zone of the tavern in close proximity to a known love, a submerging of self.
lashes would be eyelashes, sharp as in spiky, no nightmares, at least not to me knowledge. Whew, that felt almost like a literature exam :) hope the results are useful to you.
You have a good day too and a great weekend.
Wheew, I was worried it would be offensive in someway.
DeleteAlso, for me, I am finding that the more I write, the process becomes a bit more mysterious -- as if possessed and forgetful. Well, for some poems. My daughter and I talked about that this morning.
That was a fun explanation. Thank you.
This is just lovely - I really think this is a wonderful use of this form and just terrific poetry. k.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading and the feedback, much valued.
Delete