Tuesday 4 May 2021

Reflections : A-Z ... mindspaces ... cities ... n ... suchlike ...

 



This year I did the Challenge for an entirely different set of reasons. Partly out of force of habit. Partly as therapy, or at least, the hope of therapy.  I thought the discipline, the routine, the research, would help me climb out of this mindscape of despondency.  I didn't do the theme reveal because obviously I didn't have a theme. I didn't sign up on the master list, because I didn't really think I'd be able to handle new visitors. I wasn't ambitious with return visits or commenting. Quite clear about it being a very different, pared down sort of participation. Considering all that, I've done okay - I managed to finish even though I forgot the order of the alphabet and most of my entries got posted in the nick of time before the date flipped. So yes, I've survived. 


But the news back home got progressively horrifying with each day and the month ended with another bit of terrible news, the very traumatic and untimely death of a very dear family member in India. This year is turning out a worse nightmare than the last, I didn't think that was possible even. At times posting for the A-Z was the only thing keeping me sane, at times it was a chore, at yet another it felt like a thanksgiving for the grace that's come my way in these hard, never-ending pandemic weeks and months. Indeed, I am very aware of the blessings, as much as I'm aware of the grief, both collective and personal. 


My heartfelt thanks to Elephant's Child, Joanne, Hilary, Kristin, Alex, Denise and Yamini for sticking around through April and throughout this pandemic insanity. Your friendship and support, online and off, means a lot. And thank you to A-Zers AlanaLisa, Frederique, Deborah, Gail, Jemima and co-hosts John Holton & J Lenni Dorner for dropping by and commenting.  Also to the entire A-Z team for the monumental work they do.  


So. Have I enjoyed the A-Z? Have I written myself into a better place? I can't honestly say I have. But that's my issue, nothing to do with the A-Z. It reminds me of a favourite poem by Cavafy  - The City, which basically says once your life's ruined, you can't escape it by going someplace else. Today it feels true for mindspaces as well.  I'm still freaked out about problems which have no solutions, except for time. Today, everything's at a standstill and chaotic, not in a good place. Tomorrow, who knows? I might do better.  Correction, I will do better!



 






22 comments:

  1. Hari OM
    Nila, I perhaps had similar hopes - and to a degree catharsis was attained. Certainly some recognitions of changes within myself. There's a way to go, so I understand what you mean - but still we move onward, in spite of the onslaught.

    I see absolutely no problem working the alphabet 'solo' and suspect that this is exactly what I will do in future - it does provide an excellent focus a purpose for posting. Stay strong blog sister! YAM xx

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    1. Thank you, Yamini. Going 'solo' and particularly, not putting my name on the master list was liberating. Freed of the obligations, did what I could manage. Unplanned posts meant I had to scramble around for topics at the last minute, wasn't sorted enough on some days for that. Hence the random photos and videos and poetry. Whatever came to mind. But that's okay too.
      Glad you found some degree of catharsis through yours. Hugs and all the very best.

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  2. It's good to stay positive with that "I will do better." Still, I like the "might" in the previous sentence. It gives permission to fail, and that's okay so long as we keep trying. Trying is "doing better" a lot of the time.
    Interesting you weren't on the Master List. I wonder how I found you? A link from someone else I will suppose.

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    1. Expectation management is key I find, whether it's the A-Z or any other, more significant life experience. I do like to give whatever I commit myself to my best shot, but if that's not enough, it's not. Life can get complicated.

      Last year I disabled comments halfway because I knew I couldn't go on returning them. This year I set out my own rules of engagement quite clearly, not adding my name to the master list allowed me that freedom. I could pick and choose what I was up to doing on specific days, and on most days that didn't go beyond posting and a few return visits.

      Staying positive is the only weapon against these anni horribiles! :)

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  3. As I follow you from last year, I didn't even noticed that you weren't on the 2021 Master list! Take care and stay healthy. Hugs.

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    1. :)

      Hugs back. You too stay safe and well.

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  4. Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring are flowing your way. Each and every day.

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  5. Very sorry you lost a family member. It's just terrible what's happening there.
    Hopefully the Challenge at least kept you going.

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    1. Thank you, Alex. The challenge did force me to calm down for sure.

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  6. I didn't comment as often as usual, but I was here. Congratulations on keeping on though the whole time as the world flys apart or collapses or both simultaneously.

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    1. Thanks Kristin. Value the support. I hope you are feeling better now. Take care stay safe and well.

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  7. I didn't drop by as much as I should have. I didn't realize you weren't on the Master List, either. I am sorry for your losses; I don't know anyone in India at the moment but I read some Indian bloggers and...well, what can I say, except, I'm happy that the A to Z gave you something to concentrate on. Blessings and grief - all of us will be pandemic survivors one day, and our blogs will bear witness to the times. History ties us to other pandemics. May things look up for you and your friends/loved ones soon. Very soon.

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    1. Thank you for the well wishes and prayers, much needed in India right now. I'm looking forward to the day when I can call myself a pandemic survivor, if I ever get there, because that is not a certainty either! But staying positive and carrying on.
      A-Z was a distraction from the relentless bad news and gave me a focus apart from this ongoing catastrophe back home.

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  8. Very proud to see you completed the challenge, Nilanjana. For the moments spent involved in AtoZ, you could remove yourself from the nightmares surrounding you, allowing you to re-energize before again facing your personal challenges. Soon may all be well with you and with the world.
    And thank you for visiting my site during the AtoZChallenge.

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    1. Thank you. M-i-V and the A-Z are a comfort zone and safe space :) It's been a hard April but these two in their own tiny ways softened it just a sliver..

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  9. Hey - we're across the world from very different places, but I consider you a friend. I truly do hope we could meet someday. I think we'd just start talking ... Take care. It was no big deal - your writing is so beautiful, no matter the subject. Peace, my friend!

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    1. Peace to you and yours, and thank you for your friendship and support. Certainly I hope we can get together over a coffee someday somewhere in USA!

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  10. Hi Nila - congratulations on writing up a Reflections post ... and as the others have said, and concur with Joanne's comment so succinctly expressed above.

    I know I have a few of your posts to read through - but I love your writing and the way you express things, and describe subjects. Re the A - Z ... I haven't felt inclined to join in as it's lost its heart ... so many previous A-Zers support our friends who continue to join in: my grump!

    I just feel for you now and your nation ... with thoughts and all the very best - Hilary

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    1. Thanks, Hilary! I know what you mean about the lost camaraderie. I do miss the days when the participants numbered 1000+ and it was just the blogs n bloggers and FB- and Twitter-less. In some ways all that passed me by because of not signing up on the list.

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